I know this may sound shallow and boring, but I couldn’t sleep well for the past 2 days.
I am thinking so much about this. I’m in Pakistan right now, working as a school nurse, my first ever job in my entire life and my salary here is good enough for me only. Like for my own living. Of course, I don’t complain much about my salary here because everything here is free for me. No, actually not all free. But 1/4 of my salary goes to the convent for rent fees. I live with the sisters and eat whatever they eat. I don’t do transportations also because the convent is inside the school. We have also drivers therefore we don’t use cabs or public vans.
My dilemma is that, if I am going home this April, since I had my roundtrip ticket which I bought last November when I came here, my savings is not that much yet. Here in Pakistan, their currency is 2 times lower than in Philippines. Which means, working in Philippines is much better than here. A thousand ruppee is equal to 500 pesos only. If I were to stay here forever I’ll be rich but only here in Pakistan, but in Philippines, still not. And the other one I’m thinking about is to stay here a little longer for April up to May for work, so that I could save some more. Unfortunately, I checked the net and tried to see the air fares, my 2 months salary is not enough to buy another ticket. So I’m so doomed and I dunno, I feel so stucked and pressured because my sisters were asking me to buy S4 or modern mobile phones for them (though I wanted to buy some for them also) and my parents were not directly saying to me that if ever can I send them some money or gifts or like that though I really wanted to give. I really do. But due to security problems here in Pakistan, even when I go to Western Union in Islamabad is not safe. If I were to think all of this, I really want to go home and treat them wherever they want. That’s my dream. Buy them mobile phones and etc, but when I computed everything, I feel so ashamed. It’s like I never went for a job abroad. I feel sad, so sad that I couldn’t give so much to them that they were expecting a lot from me. This breaks my heart.
Speaking about my job, I am really happy and contented and I’m willing to give my service to other people. I swear to God, I really mean that. And if only my parents won’t pressure me, I am contented here for now. Unfortunately, life is tough. So as this money matters. Money is so stressful. I feel sorry for myself that for the past 4 months that I am here, I was not still able to send them money. I feel so ashamed. I feel so sick. All these fun and enjoyment that I had here in Pakistan was all for myself. There’s nothing I can do about them. I can’t give them money because I know it isn’t enough compare to my parent’s salary and also due to security reasons. Though I wanted to give them all of my salary but still I cannot. The Dollar rate here is so high that approximately I could only have 500 USD a month. I work everyday, yeah 8 hours a day, sometimes I do overtime, but still the same. I don’t receive overtime pay. This is their rules.
I don’t know if I’m selfish or not to realize these things, but I feel like shit. I want to go home but I am ashamed to go back with almost empty pockets. Really. I think it’s my pride and I don’t know if they would understand or what. I’m the eldest in my family by the way. OR not to go home for 2 more months but still my salary is not enough to buy new ticket going back. Like, this is shit.
Maybe you are asking where did my money go, -> house rents, personal needs: toiletries, credits, and school supplies. But you see the price of the commodities here are also high. For a simple pack of toiletries that you buy it costs 3500 ruppees. How is that and the taxes for credits here is also high. So I don’t know. No matter how I tried to budget my money, it’s still not enough for my family.
I am embarrased to go home but I want to. I never tried talking to them, but I don’t know if they will understand. What scares me most is that if they knew my situation here, that I don’t get good salary for them, they might not allow me to go back here, which I don’t want to happen.
Anyway, I just shared this because I have no one to talk to here about these things. Thanks for reading by the way.